


lost love is sweeter when it's finally found

by zapfinoo



Category: The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Flashbacks, M/M, Past Lives, Recovered Memories, Thomas is the only one who Remembers™
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-04-28 08:39:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14445528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zapfinoo/pseuds/zapfinoo
Summary: “Maybe they could all live in the same neighborhood, grow old together, sit around and stuff themselves with food and tell their kids stories about the time they’d saved the world.”Or; they finally get the happy ending they deserve.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> ok so idk what this is but i hope its decent?? it's cheesy as h*ck but yea ENJOY 
> 
> disclaimer: english is Not my first language so please keep that in mind . also, i am a Mess
> 
> (title is from past lives by borns)

∞

Thomas isn’t allowed to think about his future after WCKD, but sometimes he just can’t help himself.

The first time he feels like the world might be about more than just the Killzone Department and finding a cure is when he meets the mysterious girl from room 31K. He doesn’t know why, but when he sees her for the first time he just knows that it’s going to be them against the world someday. There’s a strange connection between them, so weird but also so insanely obvious that his young mind can’t even question it.

That rush of feeling unstoppable and like he can make a difference in this world is what gives him the courage to sprint up to the stupid nurses who are dragging the girl away. He doesn’t succeed at stopping them, but he gets a chance to talk to her, and that’s all that matters right then.

“Someday we’ll be bigger,” Teresa says, and Thomas knows that she’s right. He just hopes that _someday_ is going to be soon.

 

The second time he feels like they could be bigger is when they’re sitting on the floor in the secret room they chose as their sacred hiding spot all those years ago, and they are all a little buzzed from whatever was in that bottle Minho passed around before.

They’re laughing at something stupid Thomas just told them, and for once, life feels easy. He can only remember one other time when he felt like this, unstoppable and _free_. It’s a wonderful feeling, and he is getting addicted to it—he wants to feel this way forever. And he figures that if he stays at his friends’ sides, he will.

Thomas looks around the room—at Teresa, Alby, Minho, Chuck, and Newt. He didn’t really know what to call them before since he was unfamiliar with the concept, but now he finally knows. They are his friends, and he loves them. There is a voice protesting in the back of his head, saying that love isn’t a priority in this kind of world, but for the first time he has the courage to ignore what the people at WCKD are trying to teach him. The rebelliousness of it all gives him an adrenaline rush that he has never felt before, and he never wants to let this moment go. Newt looks at him, grinning like he knows exactly what he’s thinking about, and Thomas wants to… He wants to shout and tell the entire world about his new friends, about this silver lining that he found in the midst of all the chaos currently surrounding them.

They make him feel so many things he was taught didn’t exist anymore—love, freedom, and the feeling that the world might be okay again someday. He realizes that _hope_ is the word he’s been looking for this entire time.

Thomas can see them all living in the same neighborhood someday, having all the time in the world in front of them to grow old together. He can picture it all so clearly; a big house on a nice street, Alby and Chuck peacefully playing board games together in the living room, Teresa and Minho trying to cook dinner for them all. Thomas and Newt close to each other on the sofa, Thomas’ head resting on the other boy’s shoulder. He can actually picture himself feeling completely safe and at ease in this scenario.

So Thomas makes a promise to himself that night; that he won’t let anything or anyone keep him away from his friends.

 

“What are you daydreamin’ about then, Tommy?” Newt asks, raising his voice a little so that Thomas can hear him over Minho’s horrible attempts at drunkenly serenading Teresa.

  
“You,” Thomas stupidly blurts out because it’s the first thing that comes to mind, and it’s the honest truth—he has probably been thinking of Newt a little too much lately. But he pushes those thoughts away and makes a gesture to the other kids sitting across from them. “Us.”   
Newt’s smile grows impossibly bigger, and Thomas can feel himself blushing at the sight. Right then and there, all is well. Everything is how it’s supposed to be.   
  
The third time begins with a knock on his door in the middle of the night. It’s weird because it’s so late, so Thomas thinks it might be one of the doctors at first. But it can’t be, because the people at WCKD are all about routines, and they’ve never shown up at his door this late before. But it can’t be his friends either, because most of them are preparing to be put in the Trials, and so they didn’t schedule a meet-up tonight.

  
That’s why he’s pleasantly surprised when he opens the door and sees Newt casually standing there. “Is it just us today?”   
Newt’s got that mischievous look on his face that he only has when something unusual is going on, and Thomas is immediately intrigued. “Yeah, I just wanted to do this with you before they put me in there.”

  
“Do what?” Thomas asks, but Newt just takes his hand, intertwines their fingers, and leads him deeper into the facility.

  
The WCKD compound is a maze itself—but they manage to find Group B’s dorms after a little bit of searching. They find other things along the way, scary things, but Thomas manages to ignore the thoughts about that stuff, focusing on finding Newt’s sister instead. And they do. Or, rather, _she_ finds them. Lizzy comes running out of nowhere and tackles her brother on the floor, and soon they’re both crying. Happy or sad tears, Thomas doesn’t know. Maybe both. He watches them and doesn’t even try to hide the affectionate look on his face—it’s there for everyone to see, he can’t be bothered to care anymore—and thinks about how the siblings don’t deserve to be separated. They deserve a happy future together in that neighborhood Thomas dreams about from time to time. He wants that for them, and he will do everything in his power to find a cure for their broken world so that it can come true eventually.

 

 

“Thanks for coming with me, Tommy,” Newt says when they’re back on their own side of the enormous building.

“No problem,” is what he responds with—does Newt not know that he would do anything for him at this point?  
They are standing in the hidden hallway where they usually separate—one way goes back to Thomas’ own room, and the other to Group A’s dorms. He’s about to go back to his when Newt speaks up again. “Tommy, wait!”

Thomas turns back around. “Yeah?”

“There’s—there is this other thing I promised myself I’d do before the Trials,” Newt whispers, and there is so much doubt and uncertainty in his voice that Thomas wonders if it’s going to be something bad or straight up dangerous.

“What is it?”

Then he does the one thing Thomas didn’t think he’d ever do; Newt lurches forward and _kisses_ him. It’s only a soft, chaste peck, but it’s more than enough to make Thomas’ brain short-circuit. It doesn’t help when Newt pulls away, Thomas is still standing there like an idiot, completely dumbstruck.

“Sorry, I had to do that,” Newt murmurs, and they’re still just millimeters apart. _This is new_. “It’s just—they’re sending me up there next week, and I—”

Thomas finally manages to shake his head. “No, no, don’t apologize,” he says, helplessly stumbling over his words. He then puts a hand on Newt’s arm, gently caressing the skin there. It’s Thomas’ way of telling him that it’s okay, that this kind of stuff is okay. More than okay, actually. “Could you... maybe do it again?” he asks, and he can’t help but blush furiously at the request, even though he's pretty sure his feelings are reciprocated now.

Newt chuckles and doesn’t hesitate to lean back in. “With pleasure, Tommy.”

The kiss is so gentle and so _loving_ that it feels like Thomas’ heart is actually melting. He has no idea what to do with his hands, though, and worries about being too awkward. But then Newt parts his lips a little, tilting his head to the side to kiss Thomas deeper, and all his doubts vanish instantly.

Newt’s hand suddenly moves up to softly caress Thomas’ cheek, holding him in place, and Thomas can’t help but sigh helplessly against Newt’s mouth, as if to say _finally._

They are only fifteen and they have no idea what they’re doing, but they figure it out together. And as Newt carefully kisses him again and again, Thomas can picture them doing this, being together like this, until the day they die. He wants that picture-perfect future for them more than anything, and he’s going to fight for it.

 

The time that feeling, _hope_ , is ripped from Thomas’ life forever is when WCKD takes his friends away from him. It all happens so suddenly that he barely even has time to react. Ava had told him about the eventual additions to the Trials before, including the Swipe, but Thomas never actually thought she’d go through with them. So when he’s staring at his friends on screens from the observation room, he still can’t believe that she took away their memories. He has known Ava his entire life, and she has been taking care of him for as long as he can remember. So Thomas never thought she could possibly be that cruel—so cruel that she could take away their personalities, everything that once made them _them_. Now they are just empty shells. They’re not even his friends anymore, Thomas realizes, and begins to shake with anger. If he were to waltz into that maze, they wouldn’t even recognize him, and that hurts more than anything bad he’s ever experienced before. It’s worse than seeing his dad completely losing himself to the terrifying virus as a kid, it’s even worse than thinking back on the vague, repressed memories he has of Randall. So Thomas makes two promises to himself that day; he will do anything in his power to get revenge, and he will never get his hopes up again.

 

Thomas is unwillingly watching Newt and Alby on the screens when Chuck suddenly brings their future up.

“Do you think we’ll get to grow old together someday?”

Thomas’ heart breaks at this, because he has long ago accepted the fact that there is a very little chance that they will. There was a time when he believed in that kind of stuff; destiny and happy endings, but not anymore. He’s older and less naive now. The harsh reality he lives in has forced him to grow up faster than he would’ve liked. Thomas looks at the younger boy and wants that dreamy innocence back, he wants the raw hope he sees in Chuck’s eyes back. But all that is gone now, all that had been ripped from his life the moment they sent his friends away. When they sent _him_ away.

“Yeah,” Thomas says even though he feels horrible about lying to one of the two only people he has left. He does it anyway because he knows how devastating it is to not have any hope left anymore, and he doesn’t want that to happen to Chuck too. “Yeah, of course we will, Chuck. Someday.”

Thomas looks up and meets Teresa’s gaze from across the room. She gives him a sad smile, but then quickly looks away to study the screens in front of her. This is what Thomas is supposed to be doing right now too, but he just can’t bring himself to do it—because everytime he sees one of his friends on those screens, he feels so sad and heartbroken that it physically hurts him.

 

“I won’t even remember you, so it’s really like we’re saying bye forever,” is what Chuck says right before it’s his turn to be sent up in the Box.

“No, man, no,” Thomas says because he needs to comfort the younger boy somehow. His memories will be wiped soon anyway, there will be no consequences of getting his hopes up one last time. So he tells him about his unachievable fantasy. “We were just talking about this recently, right? I told you, there will be a time when we have a cure and we’ll all be living in the same neighbourhood—rich, fat, and happy. Life will be good, just look forward to that. Okay?”

But just right before they take away Thomas’ memories too, when all the bubbles pop, he knows that it was true—it really was bye forever.

 

Thomas begins his new life standing up, surrounded by cold darkness and stale, dusty air—and it ends when he witnesses his best friend, his other half, bleed out on the concrete floor in the last city on earth. It feels like it ends right then and there, at least, but it doesn’t. He doesn’t know if he’s grateful for that or not. How can he live without Newt by his side?

It’s not easy at first, but Thomas finds a way eventually. Hanging out with Minho and the others in the Safe Haven helps, it’s a wonderful place. Just not the place or the future he pictured for them. There are still traces everywhere of the trauma everyone here has been through, the scars are subtle yet still so obvious. The sky is always blue, but sometimes he can see hints of the burnt orange that the solar flares have left behind in the atmosphere. Everything is a reminder of the past in one way or another. But when he slowly starts getting his memories from _before_ back, he can’t help but feel a little lighter each time. Because even though half of them are unpleasant memories, he is still grateful to have the happy ones back.

He holds onto them until the day he dies.


	2. m

Thomas wakes up from the familiar dream with a terrified gasp. While fumbling in the dark for the light-switch on his nightstand, he takes a few deep breaths like he’s been told to do after having a nightmare. He hears a _click_ , and suddenly his bedroom is illuminated by soft, orange light. He’s safe again.

It’s often very difficult for Thomas to remember his dreams, but he vaguely recalls this one being about walking through an empty wasteland. There was a boy next to him, but now he can’t remember who he was. They were completely alone in the desert, but he still had the haunting feeling of being followed by someone. Or _something_ , maybe.

Thomas has been having these dreams all his life—they’re often horrible nightmares about monsters and diseases and natural disasters. There is an occurring one that is so vivid that it actually scares him to death; he’s running through a maze with spider-like monsters chasing him, and as if that weren’t enough, the walls are closing in on him, too. Thomas always wakes up right before they crush him, but it’s still equally terrifying. The nightmares were so bad at one point that his mom had to take him to see a therapist and talk about them. Ava told him that a maze could be a metaphor, an indicator of him looking for something in his life. But he’s always thought the dream has a deeper meaning behind it. Besides, there was always something about Ava that made him feel uneasy.

Eventually she gave him some kind of medicine to help him sleep better, and it helped, sure, but not a lot. He still has dreams every night, and every time he wakes up from one, it feels like there’s a big gaping hole right through him. Like something’s missing from his life.

But sometimes he’s not alone, sometimes he’s with his friends, and they always turn the nightmares into good dreams. They are a group of people, maybe five or six kids, but Thomas can never recall their names or what they look like when he wakes up. Except for Teresa.

Teresa. _T_. His best friend in the whole world. The first time he’d met her was when she moved into a house on his street when they were both four years old. Thomas doesn’t remember much from that time, but his mom told him later that their instant connection was obvious to everyone around them. And he still feels that way about Teresa—it’s like they are brother and sister. Thomas had a phase in his life when he actually thought that he was adopted and that Teresa’s mom was his biological mother. He knows that’s not true now, obviously, but it’s a very weird thing; their bond. It’s so strong and so genuine that he just know that nothing will ever come between them or their friendship. She will always be his sister in everything but blood.

“Maybe we knew each other in a past life,” she’d joked one time, and Thomas actually considered that for a while. He’s been raised to believe in nothing but science, so he got pretty conflicted when he found himself actually sort of believing it.

 

_They are lying on his bed in his room when Teresa brings up the inevitable. Thomas wanted to avoid the topic a little while longer, but their time together is running out._

_“Please don’t do anything stupid,” she says, and he doesn't tell her that he already has. “I know that’s very hard for you, but you have to try, at least.”_

_He laces their fingers together and tries to enjoy the moment because he knows that this might very well be their last few minutes together._

_“Don’t make them send you somewhere I can’t follow, Tom. Promise me, okay?”_

_He can’t lie to her. He just can’t_ — _she’ll see right through him like she always does. So he doesn’t say anything at all._

_“Tom?”_

_He closes his eyes, refusing to look at her._

“Tom?” Teresa’s voice is suddenly much clearer than it was a second ago. “Wake up!”

This startles him, and he sits up so quickly that he almost falls off the bed. “ _Jesus,_ Teresa!”

Thomas must’ve fallen asleep again, because it’s light outside by now and Teresa is sitting on his bed, slapping his shoulder in an attempt to wake him up. Unfortunately, it’s working. She has a bad habit of climbing through his window into his bedroom and waking him up, and even though Thomas has asked her to stop multiple times, she keeps doing it anyway. He hates Teresa for it, except he can’t bring himself to hate her for anything. It’s a problem.

“Just stop,” he mutters, because it’s the only thing he bother to say right now. He’s not a morning person, okay?

Teresa’s obviously trying not to laugh at him, so Thomas covers his face with his pillow to avoid looking at her evil, mocking expression.

“Sorry, but I had to. It’s almost noon, and you weren’t answering your phone!” She says through her laughter, and Thomas perks up at the word _noon_. He really needs to fix his sleeping schedule.

“Fine, but that doesn’t mean you can just break into my house, you know.”

“You love me,” Teresa says, and Thomas throws the pillow at her. She’s right, of course, but he’d never admit it in a situation like this. “Anyway, I was thinking we could go get lunch.”

He groans in protest even though he knows there is no point in arguing with her. If she wants to go get lunch, they are getting lunch, and that’s that.

“Come on, Tom. Stop wasting our Saturday!”

“Okay, but only if you promise to use the front door like a normal person next time.”

“I’ll try,” she says, but Thomas knows that she won’t. Still, he can’t stop the fond smile forming on his face. Even in situations like this, he’s so endlessly grateful to have Teresa in his life.

 

Ten minutes later they’re walking down the streets of Denver, on their way to their go-to restaurant. Denver can be pretty boring compared to other bigger cities in the country, but Thomas can’t imagine living anywhere else. It’s where he was born and raised, and the city just _fits_ him and his pace. It can be bland and the winters are a little too cold for his own liking, but he’s in love with it either way—the mountains surrounding them makes him feel protected, and he would stare at the beautiful skyline forever if he could. Plus, the autumns and the springs are perfect here. It’s May right now, and it’s not too cold, nor too hot. So no, he wouldn’t ever wanna live anywhere else. Teresa points to a random tree that is in the process of blossoming, with so much joy and excitement in her eyes that he can only assume she feels the same way about their city.

 

“You seem tired,” she says after his fifth yawn. Thomas instantly knows what this is—it’s a nudge, an invitation for him to talk about his dreams with her. They are practically attached at the hip, so naturally they talk about a lot of stuff. But not about this. Not very often, at least.

He looks down at this hands resting on the table, avoiding Teresa’s gaze. “Yeah, nightmares again,” he admits and hopes that she’ll leave it at that—but she doesn’t, of course.

“About what?” she has a serious expression on her face now, and that means that she wants to _talk_. Thomas knows that she just wants to help, but still, it can be hard for him to discuss his dreams.

“I don’t remember,” he says but regrets lying to her instantly because she gives him a look that basically says _you’re full of shit_. And yeah, maybe he is.

“You are so annoying, T,” she gives him a kick under the table. “ _Fine_. I was in a desert, running from something, I think? Happy?”

It sounds silly saying it out loud, but Teresa doesn’t laugh. Instead, she gives him a strange look that he can’t place and opens her mouth, but before she can say anything, the waiter arrives at their table. “We’ll take the usual, thanks,” Thomas hurriedly blurts out because he just really wants to hear what Teresa was going to say before they were interrupted.

“And what exactly is that?” Asks an unfamiliar voice, and Thomas looks up. His face flushes with embarrassment when he realizes that this is definitely not their usual waiter.

“Oh, forgive my stupid friend here—he always speaks before he thinks. What’s your name, new guy?” Teresa asks and Thomas barely resists the urge to kick her in the shin.

The stranger laughs and takes her hand in his, shaking it politely. “No problem. Name’s Minho, what’s yours?”

Teresa introduces herself, and the new guy laughs even though nothing she’s saying is even remotely funny. The strange thing, though, is that Minho doesn’t seem new to Thomas at all—he must’ve seen him somewhere else before, because he’s just so weirdly familiar to him.

Sometimes Thomas thinks that he and Teresa are telepathically connected, because she always knows exactly what Thomas is thinking. “Do you go to Griffith College? I feel like I’ve seen you before,” she says, and that just adds to Thomas’ theory.  

“Nah, I’m over at Colorado Heights. Only took this job to pay for that, so I’ve been working here for a couple weeks now—you must’ve seen me here.” Teresa nods, but Thomas knows just as much as her that they haven’t seen him before—they definitely would’ve remembered this guy if that was the case.

“And what about you, what’s your name?” Minho turns his attention towards Thomas now, and he’s honestly getting a little bit overwhelmed by all the weird deja vu at he’s experiencing right now.

“I’m Thomas,” he says, and they shake hands.

 _It’s their fourth month in Paradise, but Thomas isn’t feeling any better than he did when they first arrived. He had another bad dream tonight, and after an hour of trying to fall back asleep he realized that there was no point_ — _so he went down to the beach instead. And then Minho found him, of course he did. He just walked up to Thomas, sat down, and didn’t say anything at all for a long while. Until now._

 _“I know you miss him,” Minho doesn’t need to specify who it is he’s talking about. Thomas_ knows _. “But he wouldn’t want you to feel like this.”_

_“Yeah, but I just... I wish I’d known.”_

_“You couldn't have known. It wasn’t your fault.” Except that it actually was. The cure was right there the whole time, running through Thomas’ veins, but he was too stupid to figure it out. He had a thousand opportunities to save him, to save_ everyone _, but he didn’t._

_“Hey, look at me. It wasn’t your fault,” Minho says again. “And I’m gonna tell you that every day until you finally realize it.” This actually gets a chuckle out of Thomas, and it’s the first time he’s laughed since what feels like forever._

_Minho puts an arm around him. “We’ll get through this together, okay?”_

_“Okay.”_

Thomas quickly yanks his hand away, because it feels like he’s about to pass out. What the hell just happened?

“Okay, cool. Nice to meet you,” Minho says, and Thomas has the strangest feeling that this isn’t their first time around.

 


	3. g

Thomas has never been very good at making friends. He has never needed to be, after all, because Teresa has always been the only friend for him. So it comes as a surprise to Thomas when Minho fits right into his life and the duo becomes a trio instead. It’s actually pretty scary, if he’s being honest with himself, because it quickly becomes clear to him that he’s now _depending_ on his new friend. It’s weird since they’ve only known each other for a couple weeks.

Thomas dreams of warm summer air, people laughing, and bonfires on the beach and wonders what it all means.

 

So yeah, Minho is an awesome guy, he’s even Thomas’ best friend right after Teresa at this point, but he can be a little (very) stubborn sometimes. That’s probably how he’d managed to convince Thomas to go to this party where he knows a grand total of exactly _one_ person. He kind of knows some of the other guys from school, sure, but they are either drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes, and that’s the opposite of his idea of fun. Thomas feels very out of place with his can of soda which Minho had shoved into his hands earlier when he’d told him he didn’t drink. This party is definitely _not_ his scene.

Thomas looks around the room for the hundredth time out of sheer boredom and contemplates going home even though he promised Minho he’d stay for a while. But it’s late already, the music is so loud that his head is starting to hurt, and everyone here is too drunk to conversate with. He wishes Teresa was here, but she told him that she’s got a thing tomorrow to study for—which is complete bullshit, of course, because she always does her homework _days_ before it has to be turned in.

This whole situation was at least bearable a while ago when Thomas was chatting with Minho. But then a tall, very intimidating dude with a buzzcut came over to them to “borrow” him for a minute, and it’s been _nine_ long minutes since then, and Minho’s still not back. Not that Thomas is counting or anything, though.

But then, suddenly the both of them appear completely out of the blue.

“Thomas, my man!” Minho exclaims, and Thomas has to roll his eyes at how drunk he’s acting. “Having a good time?”

“Sure,” he says because we doesn’t want to be rude or tedious—they’ve only been friends for about a month, after all, and he doesn’t want to scare Minho off by being that boring guy who’s never had a drink in his entire life and somehow dislikes college parties.

Minho doesn’t seem to notice the lack of enthusiasm in Thomas’ voice, so he just grins at him and says, “See, I told you it would be fun!”

The tall guy next to him snorts, and it’s like Minho suddenly remembers that he’s there.

“This is Gally,” he says and makes a gesture towards the guy—Gally? What kind of a name is that?

“Hey, man. What’s up?” Thomas says and tries to sound nonchalant and not intimidated, because wow, this guy is _tall._

He doesn’t catch what Gally responds with, though, because suddenly—

 

_They are the only ones left sitting by the fire. Thomas can’t remember when the others left because today is a bad one when everything seems wrong and time passes in a haze of grief and hopelessness._

_He knows how to make it a bit better, though._

_“I forgive you, you know.” His voice cracks and his throat hurts from waking up screaming every morning, but he doesn’t care. He needs Gally to know. After many months of letting the hot anger sizzle out and almost die completely, he’s come to the conclusion that this is what Chuck would’ve wanted him to say._

_Gally’s breath audibly hitches in surprise—Thomas can actually hear it from across the cracking fire. Gally opens his mouth as if to say something, but nothing comes out. He doesn’t have to say anything, though, the look of relief on his face is so very obvious. It’s like the weight of the world has finally lifted off of his shoulders, and Thomas doesn’t regret his words even for a second._

_“Chuck would have, too.”_

 

“Min, I think I’ll have that drink now.”

“That’s the spirit, dude!”

 

The three of them are upstairs in Minho’s bedroom, lying on the floor, and Thomas has no idea how he ended up here. They were drinking in the kitchen about five seconds ago. Or that’s what it feels like to Thomas, anyway. He makes an effort to sit up and ask Minho or Gally about what the hell is going on and why the time is moving so fast, but the whole room spins and he immediately falls back down on the floor. He should _not_ have drank so much of whatever was in that red cup.

“Do you guys ever feel like something’s missing?” The voice comes out of nowhere, and it takes a few seconds for Thomas to realize that it’s his own. He shuts his mouth but his body betrays him and adds, “Or, you know, some _one_?”

It is what Thomas has been feeling these last couple of months, and he really does not know why. He has Teresa and Minho, and they are more than he could ever ask for, so why does he feel so _incomplete_?

Gally snorts and Minho lets out a laugh that sounds more like he’s choking on something. “So _sappy_ , Thomas.” He turns his head sideways to give Minho the stink-eye, but now he has this serious, mellow look on his face that Thomas doesn’t know how to feel about. “But... yeah. I do.”

And, well. Thomas had not been expecting that.

 

That night he dreams about holding hands with a boy he can’t remember the face of.

He blames it on the alcohol the next morning.


	4. b

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What’s your name, then, stranger?”  
> “Thomas.”  
> “Okay, yeah, I can see that. You definitely look like a Thomas.”  
> “Thanks?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this very rushed? i can't tell.  
> pls listen to this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFbWmNgnde0 (with headphones!!) when thomas & b are at the club ok anyway, enjoy this mess

_Teresa is here. Gally is here. Somebody else is here, too, but Thomas can’t actually see his face. He just knows that it’s someone he loves and trusts._

_Teresa is looking at the computer screen with a genuinely confused look on her face, but Thomas still can’t find the courage to trust her. (His heart says he can, since they’ve known each other their whole lives. And even if he can’t remember it, he can_ feel _it.) “Somebody has moved him up to the medical wing,” Teresa states, and Thomas has to remind himself to focus on Minho—they have to find Minho. Now. “Take me to him.”_

 _“I’m coming with you.” There’s a new voice coming from the unidentifiable person standing next to him. Even if he has no idea who this person is, Thomas feels so much affection and care and_ trust _towards him that it’s actually overwhelming. The last thing he wants is for him to get hurt, so he says, “No, not this time. You stay here with Gally and wait for the serum.”_

_“You can’t do this on your own,” the person says, and Thomas caves._

 

 _I could write a book,_ is the first thing Thomas thinks when he wakes up.

The feeling of missing a crucial puzzle piece in his life has always been a constant thing in his life, and he definitely thought it would disappear now that he has Minho and Gally. But it hasn’t. In fact, it has become stronger and stronger every day ever since the party, and he’s worried that he might actually go crazy over it soon. He needs to find who he’s looking for.

  
And then later that day, he thinks he does.

There’s a new student in his chemistry class that morning. He instantly feels drawn to her, so when they shake hands after class, Thomas pretty much knows what’s coming. “My name’s Brenda,” she says, and his world is momentarily put on pause.

_“You guys look like shit.”_

_If they get any more surprises tonight, Thomas thinks that he’s probably going to have a heart attack or something. First, Minho got struck by lightning, then they almost got attacked by dozens of cranks at once, and now this strange, intimidating girl is looking at their group like they are her prey._

_Thomas then moves towards the unknown, blurry shape standing to his right, because he feels like he just_ needs _to do so. Thomas touches the small of his back, caressing it as if to ask,_ are you okay? _He answers with a subtle but clear nod, and Thomas can suddenly breathe a little easier._

_“Come on, follow me,” the stranger says, and Thomas hesitates. Sneaking a glance towards Teresa, he meets her gaze and tries to silently ask her if this is a good idea. She mirrors his expression—she clearly doesn’t know either._

_“Unless you wanna stay here with them?” The girl adds, referring to the horrifying cranks surrounding them, trying to claw their way out of captivity. She has a very valid point._

_So they go with her into the unknown._

 

The vision ends just as fast as it started, and Thomas can hear the girl’s _—Brenda’s—_ real voice again. “Hey, are you okay?”

 _Definitely not_. “Yeah. Yeah, I just got a little dizzy for a second there.”

“What’s your name, then, stranger?”

“Thomas.”

Brenda looks at him like he’s a puzzle she desperately wants to solve as she replies with, “Okay, yeah, I can see that. You definitely look like a Thomas.”

“Thanks?”

Brenda laughs, and it’s a genuine and maybe even a little flirty one. “Don’t worry, it’s a good thing. You know what you need?”  

“What?”

“Let's get to know each other,  _Thomas_. Grab your things, let’s go.”

“Where?”

“Stop asking so many questions all the time, let’s just go!”

Brenda is so different from Teresa, Thomas notices. He’s not sure how he knows this after having a total of _one_ conversation with her, but something about her makes him want to do as she says. Teresa would never do this, she is all about planning things ahead while Brenda is the complete opposite; spontaneous and more free spirited than most. So Thomas is not sure if the two girls will get along very well. Either way, he’s excited to introduce them to each other.

They start walking, and Brenda refuses to tell Thomas where they're going, no matter how many times he asks her about it. They chat a little about Brenda's old school and why she transferred, and somehow they end up talking about Thomas' dreams. He has no idea how, but something about Brenda just makes him want to tell his whole life story.

"So you're looking for someone, huh?" 

"I guess so." 

Thomas can't say anything else because they have arrived at one of the busiest streets in the city, and Brenda heads straight for an ominous looking building that almost seems to be _shaking_ from the loud bass coming from inside. A lot of people are going in and coming out of the club, and there’s even two guards standing by the door. Again, not Thomas’ scene.

Brenda turns around when she notices that Thomas has stopped dead in his tracks and she makes a _come on_ gesture with her hand.

“Uh, I don’t know if this is such a good idea,” he says in a quiet voice and wishes, once again, that he was more fun and casual like the stereotypical college student.

“It’ll be fine,” Brenda says and gives him a genuine, kind smile—successfully showing a more vulnerable side to her personality. Thomas finds himself trusting her, even though they only met approximately fifty minutes ago. “Trust me—I’ve been here before, it’s a cool place.” In a more teasing voice, she adds, “Besides, you might just find the person you’re looking for in there.”

Thomas ducks his head and tries to fight the blush forming on his cheeks. He definitely does not succeed, and if Brenda notices, she lets it go. “Yeah, I believe you, but I won’t get in. I’m far from twenty one, man.”

Brenda just winks at him and says, “Me too. But watch this.”

Thomas then watches with awe as she walks up to one of the guards, hugs him as if they’ve been friends forever, and gives him a high-five afterwards. Thomas follows her and finally gets a good look at the guy’s face.

Somehow he knows the name about half a second before Brenda even says it. “Thomas, this is Jorge.”

They greet each other, and Thomas feels strangely _safe_ around this guy, despite the intimidating aura he has about him. And it’s... it’s weird because he used to have a hard time trusting people that he just met. Well, up until he met Minho a couple of weeks ago. A lot of strange things have been happening ever since then, and he would be lying if he said he hadn’t seriously considered going back to therapy to make some sense out of this.

There’s a familiar glint of mischief in Jorge’s eyes as he says, “You want in here, _hermano?_ ”

Thomas hesitates. Was that a trick question? “Uh. Yeah? I mean, if that’s okay?” He really doesn’t know how to act around this guy, and it’s much like he feels about Brenda so far.

Jorge looks Thomas up and down with a knowing look on his face, and Thomas is sure that he’ll be kicked out for being underage any second now. But then the guard just laughs, or, more like _cackles,_ and pats Thomas hard on the back. “Go ahead, you two. Have fun!”

Dumbstruck, Thomas thanks him and opens the door to the building. “Who was that guy?” he practically shouts to Brenda over the deafening music.

“I’ve known him forever,” she says. _That explains a lot._ “He’s pretty much the closest thing I have to a dad.”

Thomas snorts. “Nice role-model you got there,” he mutters, looking around the place. He can barely see anything since the white blinking strobe lights are blinding him every millisecond, but he still knows that his parents would _never_ in a thousand years let him in here.

Brenda rolls her eyes and lightly punches Thomas in the shoulder at his sarcastic remark. “Come on, let’s dance.”

“What? Hey, no, I don’t—“ Brenda gives him a look he can’t place and suddenly get all up in his business, putting her hands on his shoulders and shutting him up in the process. She leans in close, maybe a bit _too_ close, and whispers, “Loosen up a little.”

The booming, fast paced music has stopped and now they’re playing a much slower song, but it’s still as loud as before. It makes Thomas feel kind of like he did when he was drunk that one time. It’s very strange how music can do that to you, he thinks as Brenda looks up at him and starts to move with the rhythm of the song. He meets her gaze and holds it for what feels like hours—there’s something so magnetic about it. Someone behind him bumps into them, but Thomas couldn’t care less—he can only focus on the girl in front of him right now. Brenda looks at him with something that appears to be... fascination? Maybe even _desire_? Thomas wouldn’t know—he has never had somebody look at him like that before. His first (and _only_ , so far) kiss was with some random girl named Rachel during a drunken game of spin the bottle, about a year ago. Well, Thomas wasn’t drunk, but she _definitely_ was. It was nothing special—just a chaste kiss since she had a boyfriend already. Thomas would know, because the guy, Aris (a tiny but intimidating guy on the track team), never seemed to stop reminding him of that fact after the kiss.

Rachel wouldn’t even look at Thomas the next morning, and even though he hadn’t expected anything else from her, he couldn’t help but feel a pang of disappointment and also maybe regret that day. Because, well, he kind of wanted his first kiss to be with someone he actually _liked_ , somebody he wanted to be with. But throughout his entire life, he has never felt that way about anyone. (Well, maybe Teresa, who Thomas had a massive crush on when they were both in first grade. But that’s something he doesn’t like to think about too much, because, _gross._ She is gorgeous, of course, but she is also like his _sister_.)

Maybe the person who keeps appearing in his dreams, maybe they’re the one that he could, potentially, be with. Or maybe they’re just a made up product of his own daydreams and he needs to go back to see a therapist again. Either way, Thomas is definitely going crazy over this.

Brenda must notice that he zoomed out for a little bit, because she presses even closer to him and says, “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.” Suddenly feeling a bit brave, Thomas puts a hand upon her waistline. He’s not sure if Brenda even heard his reply over the loud music—but it doesn’t seem to matter, because her eyes suddenly flicker down to his mouth.

He needs this, is what Thomas tries to tell himself as they both lean in. He needs the contact, the intimacy. He’s only human, after all, and maybe Brenda is the person he’s been looking for, who knows? He did feel a strong, undeniable connection between them when they first met.

A part of him knows, deep down, that what he’s trying to tell himself isn’t true. But he completely ignores that voice and meets Brenda in the middle, kissing her open-mouthed with as much confidence as he can possibly muster right now.

It’s nice, to say the least. Brenda sighs against his mouth, tilting her head to the side to deepen the kiss. It’s great, sure, but it also feels... _wrong_. Like Thomas isn’t being true to himself, or the rest of the world. There’s an uneasy feeling to it that he can’t decipher.

And—

Blurry images— _memories?_ —suddenly flash through Thomas’ mind. Suddenly, he’s kissing somebody else. Someone who’s taller than him with much shorter hair, broader shoulders and a more masculine jaw. Brenda’s hand comes up to cup Thomas’ cheek, he _knows_ it’s Brenda, but it feels like someone else is doing it. The hand is unquestionably bigger than hers should be, and it touches him in a way that he doubts Brenda could, or would want to. _Lovingly_ , is the first word that comes to mind. But he could be imagining that, too.

The pictures continue to quickly swirl through Thomas’ head, _just_ out of reach. He tries to grab onto them, to see them more clearly, but they stay there, right under the surface of his consciousness. And then they inevitably fade, just like his dreams do when he wakes up.

It feels a lot like he’s being suffocated, so he abruptly pulls away from Brenda’s embrace. She frowns at Thomas and the new distance between them. “What’s wrong?”

“I—I think I need some air, sorry,” he blurts out and leaves a confused Brenda in the middle of the crowd.

Thomas clumsily makes his way towards the closest exit, which is lit up by a neon green emergency symbol. Thank god for that, otherwise he probably would not have seen it. He feels dizzy, and it’s like a drunken dizziness, even though he hasn’t consumed any alcohol ever after Minho’s party. It feels like he is somehow _swimming_ through the sea of people, like he’s running in slow motion with water up to his knees.

Then, all of a sudden, is Teresa standing right in front of him. Thomas knows it’s impossible, that she must be some weird hallucination, but there she is. He can see her so clearly. She’s not talking or moving, she’s just smiling at him—it’s that knowing smile she always has when she has figured something out before Thomas and she’s patiently waiting for him to catch up. Thomas closes his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them again, she’s not gone. In fact, _Minho_ is now standing beside her, and Thomas wants to scream. He is actually losing his mind.

Someone behind bumps into him, and that gets him moving again. He pushes past his friends and continues his way toward the door.

Along the way, Thomas sees even more familiar faces. He spots his little brother, Chuck, in the crowd and he grins and waves at Thomas like nothing weird is going on. Frypan, a chef who works at Thomas’ favorite restaurant is there as well. Vince too; his teacher from ninth grade. And there’s Alby, the boss at his old job. He then runs past Sonya and Harriet, two girls in his chemistry class. Winston, Ben, and Zart—all friends he met in middle school. Gally. Jorge. Brenda.

Thomas finally reaches the exit, but he stops dead in his tracks before he can go outside. Because there they all are once again, all the familiar faces gathered in one place. They are standing by the door, looking at Thomas with so much warmth in their eyes that their presence _almost_ doesn’t scare him. But it still does, because he knows that none of this is possible, so why can he see them? Why is this happening to him?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomas blushing >>>>> everything else in the world


	5. n

Thomas tries not to look at his friends as he staggers forward and opens the exit door with such unintentional force that he stumbles out into the crisp night and, to his unpleasant surprise, falls over. Right then and there, on the dirty pavement.

He closes his eyes for a second and stays there, sitting on the ground like an idiot, taking everything that just happened in and processing it. Brenda must’ve slipped something into his water bottle or something, it’s the only explanation for what he just saw. That, or he’s already past the gone of insanity. There’s probably a high risk of it being the latter.

Then there’s movement behind Thomas, and he opens his eyes to see something in the corner of his view. It’s a helping hand, reaching out to him.

“You okay there, mate? That was some dash you made just now. Too many drinks?”

_Listen, that was some dash you made earlier. For a second there, I thought you had the chops to be a Runner. Until you face-planted._

Oh.

The words hit Thomas like a truck, and the sudden deja vu makes him so dizzy that he feels like he might actually _pass out_ . He closes his eyes again for a little while, in an attempt to prevent just that, before composing himself and turning his head to look at the stranger. But before he even sees him, he _knows._ This is it; this is who was missing from his life. Thomas looks at him, and his world is suddenly okay again.

He takes his hand,

and then he _remembers_.

 

_“Hey, I’m Newt. And I know bloody well who you are. Which is why we’ve decided to finally snag you. Come on, I want to show you something.” Thomas has no idea who this boy is, but he would be lying if he said he isn’t dying to follow him. Something tells him that this right here is the start of something great, something bigger than WCKD._

_“That’s the way of things, Tommy,” Newt tells him later that night, and it feels a bit like they’ve been friends for years._

_It’s Newt and Thomas against the world as they look for Lizzy. If they get caught now, who knows what could happen? Thomas has a stomach ache from being so anxious all night, but then they stumble and fall over each other, and his gut fills with butterflies instead. The good kind. The_ best _kind. “Are you sure WCKD knows what they’re doing with you?” No. Do you know what you’re doing with me, Newt?_

_“There’s—there is this other thing I promised myself I’d do before the Trials.”_

_“What is it?”_

_Newt kisses him for the first time, and it’s everything Thomas has ever wanted. And more._

_“I’m coming for you, Newt.” Thomas whispers out into the empty control-room, wishing desperately that Newt could hear him right now. But he can’t, because_ they _took him away. Thomas promises himself that he is going to do everything in his power to get him back. Whatever the cost might be._

_“Greenbean, meet Newt.” A greeting. A smile. A handshake. A boy Thomas can’t remember seeing before shouldn’t be this familiar._

_They’re sitting by the log, far away from the bonfire and the other Gladers. Almost everyone Thomas has met here so far seem weirdly familiar to him, but there’s something different about Newt, something he can’t put his finger on. Like everything else in his confusing, empty shell of a life right now._

_“No one has ever survived a night in the Maze,” Newt tells him, looking so incredibly lost that it makes Thomas want to run into that terrifying maze right now and find a way out so that this wonderful boy sitting next to him can finally be happy._

_“You can’t give up, I won’t let you.” There’s so much raw affection in Newt’s eyes that Thomas can’t take it—he has to look away. What did he ever do to deserve all this trust Newt has put in him?_

_Thomas almost successfully stops Newt from coming with him to the city, almost, but then he says “I’m already in,” and the selfish side of Thomas wins his internal battle. He can’t do this without the boy he has got to know_ _and_ love _during the past six months. He just can’t. So he says “Okay, let’s go get him back,” and tries to tell himself that he made the right decision by bringing his friends with him._

_“I guess I can’t hide this anymore,” Newt says and sighs like he’s given up already. He pulls his sleeve up, and it reveals exactly what Thomas thought it would. He just wouldn’t admit it to himself—the fact that his best friend is infected._

_The tainted veins on Newt’s forearm startles Thomas even though he knew exactly what was coming, and he has to sit down. “Why didn’t you tell me?”_

_“I didn’t think it would make any difference.”_ Of course it would’ve _, is what Thomas wants to say. He would have done, asked and said so many things if he knew they had limited time left together. Maybe things like “Newt, do you think we knew each other before this? Do you think we were friends? Do you think we were_ more _?” But Thomas can’t ask now—there are far more important things to do. Find Minho, find a cure. They have to._

_... And they do, but then it’s too late. “Tommy,” is Newt’s last ever word, and Thomas’ heart breaks into a million pieces that’ll never be put back together again._

  
  


Thomas is brought back to reality, _this_ reality, with a quiet gasp just as they let go of each other’s hands.

Maybe what he just saw were memories, or maybe they were actually what he thought from the beginning, just dreams. It doesn’t matter, though, because this is the only reality that Thomas truly cares about. The people they were before this, they don’t matter, they don’t even _exist_ anymore. All Thomas knows right now is that he just found the person who he’s been looking for.

Said person smiles and gives him a curious, intrigued look that might mean that he feels the connection between them, too. “Name’s Newt.”

Thomas smiles back, because he _knows_. He knows now. “I’m Thomas.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me if u want more!! if not, i Understand.


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